Hopes & fears.. Mainly fears

This blog was always intended to be both a place where I could showcase my writing work and a place that I could use to empty the troublesome thoughts from my head whenever it was required. Well, today is one of those times when I feel I need to use it as the latter.

The first thing is that I am due to start my first year at University at the end of this month. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I am really looking forward to getting started with it. I’ve been stuck at home for the best part of four years and I am determined to get out there and start living my life again. But on the other hand my fucked up mind is doing its very best to persuade me otherwise.

Yesterday I went over to my University campus and had an absolute ball ache trying to get my Mac to play nicely with their WiFi. Even after almost an hour and a half of trying and a web chat with their IT helpdesk I still couldn’t get it to work. Thank goodness for mobile data and hotspots eh? I had the same problem when I was at college back in 2019 getting my old Windows laptop to talk to their WiFi as well. It seems to be some sort of running issue with me and WiFi. Even my friend commented on it yesterday with a laughing emoji.

I gave up in the end and just had a wander around the campus again, trying to familiarise myself with where my building is and what have you. I also checked out my teaching timetable for the very first time, which immediately sent me into a blind panic and made my anxiety kick in. The way in which it was written seemed so complicated, and there were lots of workshops and seminars listed. Just the word “workshop” brings me out in a cold sweat. The thought of having to engage in group work and activities with actual other human beings after four years of only having myself for company fills me with dread. The anxious thoughts start flooding into my mind; What if I don’t know what to say? What if I don’t connect with anyone? What if I mess things up?

The first couple of weeks revolve around something my university are calling a “Starting Block.” Which is apparently designed to introduce us to university life and help us get to know people. After that things settle down into a nice routine where I’m on campus three days a week and never involves me having to be there before 11.00am, which ties in nicely with the fact that it takes me a good hour and a half to get there from where I live.

Deep down I’m sure everything will be alright once I get going. I’ve fought so damn hard to get my place on my degree course and I’m determined not to let my tiresome, depressive, anxious mind mess things up.

The other thing that is worrying me somewhat is my recent diagnosis of something called “Hidradenitis suppurativa hurley stage 2.” A chronic, lifelong skin disease for which there is no cure. Instead I am now undergoing treatment under the guidance of my dermatologist at the local hospital. My treatment at this stage involves me taking a three month course of strong antibiotics, applying a special lotion to the affected areas twice a day for a month and continuing to wash with a prescription scrub to try and keep any flare ups at bay. So far everything seems to be fairly effective. But I guess I’m kind of worried about what might happen should things progress to stage 3. Apparently the treatment at stage 3 involves surgery and a skin graft as well as yet more medication. There is also a good chance that I may end up on strong antibiotics for the rest of my life, alongside my existing anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medication.

I guess my biggest fear right now is just the simple act of change. We get comfortable in our lives and our routines don’t we, and when something big comes along and changes everything that we know and are used to it unsettles us. It makes us question everything. Is what we are doing right or wrong? Would we be happier if things just stayed the same forever?

I know the answer to those questions of course. But I just wish my wretched mind would stop questioning my answers.


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