Sinking

Today has not been a good day.

Well, if I’m honest the past few weeks haven’t exactly been peachy. But today it felt like everything just came to a bloody tedious head.

I was supposed to give a short presentation today as part of my English group. I say supposed because right up until I sat down in the classroom today I had every intention of going through with it, despite everything. But, lo and behold, my wretched anxiety put in an untimely appearance.

It didn’t help of course that everyone else’s presentations were mostly really good. So straight away my stupid mind starts to develop it’s inferiority complex. “Theirs are good.” “Yours is shit.” That’s basically how it went.

Here’s the other thing. Everybody else had prepared some sort of presentation material. Be it a slideshow or props. All I had was 1000 words about my experience of living with a mental illness and of the mental health system. In my mind, my presentation was tedious and triggering.

So I made the decision not to give it. And by doing so and by seeing everyone else do so well, my mood has swiftly dropped. I’m sinking fast and feeling like a failure. One of my group said to me when I was trying to decide whether to do the presentation or not, “If I don’t do it I’ll be letting myself down and letting my tutor down.”

Well Yeah, thanks for that. Because right now that’s exactly how I’m feeling. I’ve let everybody down and now I’m more than likely going to spend the next 5 days dwelling on that thought and beating myself up about it. That’s how my mind works you see. It’ll take that one negative thought and keep replaying it over and over and over again. And each time it replays it, I’ll start to overthink things and my mood will drop even more.

I’m starting to wonder whether I’m actually cut out for being a student. If I can’t give a simple presentation without my stupid mind ruining it then what hope do I have?

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