I’ve hit a massive low over the past few days, and I knew it was coming. I have this strange ability to sense when my mind is about to crash out on me, but yet I just carried on as normal and ignored the warning signs until it was too late.
And so the crash happened. Many factors helped contribute to it. The stress levels associated with all manner of things from the pressure of Christmas, (Something I have tried to quell – unsuccessfully) to the hassle of trying to travel around Bath city centre during the annual Christmas market and my tendency to get worked up about the smallest of things.
But ultimately, it was the simple task of completing an optional assignment for my English course that pushed me over the edge and caused my mind to wave that little white flag of surrender. I didn’t even need to do the assignment unless I wanted to, but I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could actually do it. Besides, a similar question is more than likely going to come up in one of the exams next year, so the more practise the better.
But my mind refused to play ball. So while I’m sat in front of my workbooks and laptop attempting to construct an essay that meets the requirements of the assignment, my mind is beginning to fill up with a thick swirling fog. And the more I try to think and come up with the goods, the quicker that fog is entering my mind until it gets to the point where there is so much fog in there that it is impossible to see or think anything. All the while, I’m becoming more and more frustated and angry. I want to write my essay. I want to do well. But I’m unable to, and that brings me down. Even right at this moment as I’m writing this the fog is starting to form again. Trying as hard as it can to suppress my creativity.
When I get into these low periods I struggle to lift myself out and everybody else suffers. I say things that I don’t really mean to people because I just want to be left alone to rot and suffer and not pass my bad vibes onto others. Let’s face it, nobody really understands me apart from my partner anyway so why inflict myself on them? I struggle to build and maintain friendships because I’ve been let down by too many people in the past and therefore don’t trust anybody. I feel like people only ever want to use me for their own gains, only contacting me when they want something from me. So I usually ignore them, so I can’t get hurt.
Over the past few days I’ve had a strong urge to want to hurt myself again. I used to scratch and cut my arms as a way of relieving the pressure, and I feel like I really want to do so again. But I know it’ll upset my partner so I don’t and I won’t. It doesn’t stop the urges or the voices though. It’s the same with the whole suicide thing. I think about that every so often. If something is causing me immense stress or I’m feeling really low the thought of putting an end to things always comes into my mind. I think about the ways in which I could do it. The wheres and the whens and the hows. I think about it, but I won’t do it. Not now.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just kicking some ideas and thoughts about. Trying to empty the negativity from my mind in an attempt to try and refocus. I break up from college this week for the Christmas break and I should be feeling really proud of myself for managing to stick it out for a whole term when I didn’t think I could. But instead of that I’m just sitting here overthinking things. I want to become a writer of some sort and actually get paid decent money for my words, but I’m wondering whether I’ll ever actually make it happen or if I’m just living in cloud cuckoo land.