Today I’ve been feeling suicidal. Those of you that have followed my story throughout the lifetime of this blog will be aware that this is nothing new. I often have days where I’ve just had enough of being me and can’t be bothered to carry on. Today was one of those days, and I couldn’t have predicted it.
Here’s the thing. Most days my mood is up and down like a yo-yo. One moment I can be as calm as the countryside on a balmy summers day. The next, I’m out of control, full of emotion and so low that even the most competent of limbo dancers would struggle to get under my dark cloud of depression.
Right at that particular moment, I felt almost like I was looking down at myself from a short distance above. From my slightly elevated position I could see the dark clouds forming around my head. Each and every one of them filled with litre upon litre of negativity just waiting to cascade torrentially over what little positivity I had left and wash it all away.
Beneath the storm, the familiar feeling of my head being squeezed from all angles was getting into full swing. The tight grip of half a dozen, head sized vices wringing out every last drop of hope from my damaged mind.
The pain intensifies with each and every moment. My eyes begin to hurt. My vision becomes fuzzy as if somebody has knocked it slightly off frequency. I feel tired. So, so tired. I want to go to sleep. I need sleep. I desperately want to close my eyes and shut these feelings out. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. I’m done. I’m so done.
Only, I’m not done. Because although a loud voice at the front of my mind is telling me that the time has come to pull the shutters down, and smaller and weaker voice at the back is trying to scream back at it to shut the fuck up. But it’s struggling to make itself heard, because the over-powering voice of depression is so loud and so dominant that it doesn’t stand a chance.
Imagine what that’s like. Imagine being exposed to feelings like that on a regular basis, with zero warning that such an attack is due to strike. It’s un-predictable, It’s debilitating and it bloody well hurts!
That’s how a typical episode feels to me when it occurs, but how about you?
I would be interested to hear how depression and mental illness makes you feel. So please, share your thoughts in the comments below.